Have you signed an abstinence pledge lately?
I had to sign one in my eighth-grade science class. It was a grade... that’s right, if I didn’t sign the pledge, I would have gotten a ZERO. Here’s the shocker: I went to a public school. I grew up in the Bible belt (Texas) and I went to a non-denominational Christian church. I was involved with my youth group and I went to Christian summer camp almost every summer. A topic that frequently came up in all of these settings was PURITY.
If you’re a girl who grew up in an American Christian church, you know the song and dance and I’m not about to preach it to you again. I’ll just give you a few reminders:
Guard your heart.
True love waits.
Purity rings.
Passport to purity.
As a teenager and young adult remaining pure and maintaining my sexual integrity was very important to me. I actually took a lot of pride in it.
I read multiple books about it.
I talked about it at small group.
I talked about it with my cabin at summer camp.
Abstinence was crammed down my throat.
There is some truth in encouraging teenagers not to have sex, don’t get me wrong. I just think that Christians have really messed it up and that the Church needs to re-think their approach to teaching abstinence.
Now I’m an adult and remaining pure has gotten a little trickier.
I’m a woman in my late 20s trying to date.
I’m a Christian woman in my late 20s trying to date.
I’m an abstinent Christian woman in my late 20s trying to date.
WOOF!
It’s been engrained in me since I was very young that I needed to remain pure and save myself for marriage.
Do you know what I’m finding out from dating Christian men?
That none of this was engrained into them! Purity was not shoved down their throats. Sure, it was encouraged, but it wasn’t pounded into them. Let’s be honest here, the Church is already having a hard time getting single men through their doors, so they’re not going to cram true love waits down their throats.
When I look back at my purity ring days, I think of cattle being unwillingly thrown on the ground and branded with a searing piece of iron.
Remaining pure wasn’t encouraged to me. It was preached, shoved, forced, engrained and branded into me. Hmm... I wonder why none of Jesus’ teachings were branded into me this much?
The Church’s approach to abstinence and sexual purity is different for men and women. The information was presented to us differently when we were young. The tone was different and the tactics were different.
Think about it. How are we supposed to have sustainable, healthy and Christ centered relationships when our knowledge of sexual purity is in no way similar?
If the Church’s goal is for people to have sexual integrity while dating, then why don’t they use the same approach when preaching abstinence?
The Church has set us up to fail and they don’t even know it.
In my dating relationships, I’ve been the prude. I’ve been the one who consistently says no when a Christian guy pressures me to “fool around”. I've been the one who assumed that Christian guys knew what sexual purity meant, when indeed they have no idea.
And you know what, I’m so tired of it.
I’m tired and I’m angry. I’m tired of having to explain this to Christian guys and I’m angry at the Church for not having equity when teaching sexual purity to men and women.
I love Jesus and I have chosen to have sexual integrity in romantic relationships. I have chosen. The Church has failed me AND I still love the Church. I know the Church can do better. I don’t know exactly how, but I do know that if the Church continues to brand girls like cattle with this toxic purity culture and just gently encourage boys to just come to church... well then, they might end up being 27 years old and writing a blog like this.
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